-
For The Insomniacs: A Tall Woman
Who the f*#k is this woman? With the looks of a young Gwyneth Paltrow, mixed with Gwen Stacy, and the height of Gwendoline Christie? Who the f*#k is this tall drink of water amazon, with Barbie Stilts and hair like California sunshine? Who you be? I just want to know. You’re beautiful, like distractingly beautiful. Like…
-
Poop Police: And Other Fine Stories From My Stay At The Hospital
Nurses are loud. “Sir! Have you pooped yet, today?” I awoke in a sweat, wondering how the Poop Pied Piper followed me into the hospital. “Sir? SIR?? Did you POOP?” I felt disturbed, off-kilted and rattled to the core. “Who is this loud woman,” I thought, “and what poop troop brigade is she aligned with?”…
-
Bachelorette Parties Are Dangerous
It started as a love. I would see a multitude of women hop off of a giant pink party bus wearing tiaras, sashes and matching t-shirts. I figured, “The odds have been tipped! Now there are more women in the bar than men! I’m getting fucking laid tonight!” My brain would ignite with pleasant imagery…
-
Big Cup of Juice
I didn’t see it at first. All I saw was her smile, easing over the top of her steering wheel as she stopped. She was a nice stranger who had the common decency to let me out of the subdivision I was trapped in. The construction on Van Dyke Road only made it harder to cruise…
-
I Hate Warren, Michigan
Warren, Michigan… A passion-less enclave for the old and boring. A place to live out your years as a backwards half-wit, unaware that the world is changing all around you. Warren is that nasty taste you get in your mouth after chewing gum too long. It’s that squeaking sound your shoes make when you walk.…
-
Elisabeth Moss…I Think I Love You
Dear Miss Elisabeth Moss… I didn’t think you were that pretty when I first saw you on the hit A&E television show “Mad Men”. I thought you were homely. Years passed and things didn’t change. Your character never prettied up to me, even though she gained more responsibilities and respect within the Sterling Cooper Advertising…
-
A Patchwork Knight
I’ve wasted most of my love on pretty faces and nice legs. I’m a slave to the mystical effects of the female form. I could write a book solely on misadventures brought upon by senseless pursuits of the opposite sex. I’m a firm believer that most of the fun is in the chase, but c’mon,…
-
Things I’ve Noticed In The Hood Part 1
This is my first installment of this segment. I’m sure most of my friends know that I work for a cable company and the job sends me through Detroit a lot. I love the city and I can’t wait till it gets back on it’s feet. But till then, we might as well point out…
-
The Porn Hoarder
I don’t even know how to start this. I guess it would be good to first explain why I was there in the first place. I’m a cable guy for a well-known company. And my job involves me going into people’s homes to install their service. On a busy week, I’ll probably go to about…