March 11, 2014 by Manny Wordsmith
This is my first installment of this segment. I’m sure most of my friends know that I work for a cable company and the job sends me through Detroit a lot. I love the city and I can’t wait till it gets back on it’s feet. But till then, we might as well point out some weird shit.
1. The disappearance of lane dividing lines
Yes. If you live in the Detroit area you know what I’m talking about. Time you pass 8 Mile it becomes a damn free-for-all. Like the state legislation decided that spending time creating proper lanes was too consuming and it would be much better just to have people weave into each other’s way like driving in Mario Kart 64. I don’t give into road rage. Instead, I swear at my poor steering wheel like it stole my girl and called my mother a filthy whore. Oh if airbags could talk…
2. Joumana Kayrouz
Her face is EVERYWHERE in the hood. Billboards, buses, benches and botox. Oh wait, that’s IN her face. As a lawyer, I imagine that most of the money that she’s made has gone to keeping her face from showing emotion and her hair constantly bleached blonde.
Me: Have you seen that lawyer Joumana Kayrouz?
Brother: Oh the white lady? Yeah, I saw her face on the side of a bus once.
Me: She’s not white. She’s Middle Eastern.
Brother: Fuck you! Really?
3. Extra Safe McDonald’s
“What?” That’s what you’re thinking right now. But go to the hood and you’ll see the corner Mickey D’s locked down better than most banks. I’m talking bulletproof glass, six cameras and a “no hoodie” policy to keep everyone honest. You even have to get the workers permission to use the bathroom. A quick scan over, a quiet nod and then you hear a buzzing sound like you’re about to open the door to a hidden high rollers poker game. But instead you enter a decent bathroom that is free of crackhead meddling and your occasional prostitute trying to wash up before her next john. Thanks McDonald’s. But I had always wondered if ol’ Ronald was finally gonna try to protect his treats from The Hamburglar. And I see that Detroit is the testing town for his high security plans.
Many more observations to come. Keep your eyes open for this things the next time you’re in the hood.