How To Spot The Nice Guys

2

September 27, 2012 by Manny Wordsmith

To the ladies…

A small table of insecurity sits in your favorite bar.

A couple of guys, most likely mismatched in size, weight and ethnicity will gather, attempting to break what the world already knows…that nice guys finish last. The unintentionally awkward bunch will stare at you and even point, all the while thinking that they’re being incognito. This is because most of them have always felt like a wallflower, even in direct line of sight. All of you can blame Leslie Peeler in 3rd period American History for the growth of that unattractive attribute.

Out of the four that may be sitting there, one will be the ringleader and plan on talking with your group. The others may come along, but that is determined on how well they can be convinced. The ringleader will consume more shots, and more beers than the rest, moving attentively toward a buzz that will give him some bravery. What makes him the ringleader you ask? Oh, his mouth. Yes, the most socially connected, outspoken nice guy will be the leader and the mouthpiece for an entire group trying to end their “dry streak”.

After four IPA’s and a few Jager Bombs, the ringleader will think he’s Kanye West, full of “swag” and self-worth. He’ll put on his best impression of a confident walk and come your way.

“What up ladies? My name is slightly attractive, but obviously self-conscious nice guy. Who are you?”

While he’s right in front of the group, none of you will think he’s that weird. His smile will seem genuine and the questions he’ll ask will feel charming. He’ll even remember everyone’s name as he shuffles from one subject to the next. But he won’t get anywhere. He won’t be direct, he won’t ask anyone to dance or do anything else aggressively flirtatious. He’ll be nice, pleasant and slightly unsure of how well he’s doing with everyone. Unfortunately, as all of you fail to guide him to feeling better about his attempt, his conversation points (that he readied just 10 minutes earlier) will become dry and distant. You won’t understand his obscure movie references or his anecdotes about what he does for a living. But before you can shy him away, his three other friends will slowly creep behind him.

The rest of the crew will stand behind they’re leader, looking like Van Gogh paintings, waiting to be introduced. You’ll sigh, and prepare for another round of misplaced chivalry and extreme niceness. It’s only 10:30 p.m. and all of you will figure that these guys aren’t the only guys who want to talk. Your escape plan you ask? A collective bathroom break, a dance floor meeting or some good ol’ fashion smoking will do the trick. This will leave those nice guys stranded. And when you never return, they’ll get the point.

Unless…

You run into them at the 24-hour diner next door.

The same Bad News Bears, who all of you so delicately disregarded, will be a recharged cynical gang of malignant assholes. They will pick apart Suzie, your one friend who wears too much make-up, and make her feel like a science experiment gone wrong. They’ll strike with crass jokes about the alternating colors of her face and neck. They’ll spew venomous speculations about her sexually exploits and refer to her chosen mates as “clown fuckers”. They’ll giggle about your friend Lucy and her rat’s nest of a hair-do that was once a swirling display of perfect blonde architecture. Over the chicken wings and fruit punch, terms like “Methhead” and “Lady Gaga Stunt Woman” will mumble from they’re mouths. “Trailer park Barbie” will even slip out once or twice, along with another derogatory term that describes the hair between Lucy’s legs. Everyone at your table will quickly try to defend Lucy, explaining that she’s half Greek, “and that’s just way her hair is sometimes!” But they won’t care; the gloves will have come off hours ago. Everyone will try to ignore them and eat their chicken gyros, but secretly wonder how a group or nice guys turned out to be so awful.

But I guess being stranded can do that to a group of men who only have Pornhub.com, episodes of “New Girl” and “How I Met Your Mother” to look forward to when they get home.

As a woman, the attention you can garner at a bar can be amazing or unwanted. The music, the alcohol and the feeling can give any guy hope that they can impress a beauty. Some chose to give nice guys chances, even though they figure they’ll have to be the aggressor for most of the night. Others, find a way out so they can better their chances with someone more compatible. And rightfully so. Nice guys need to man up and let ladies know what they want, and not be afraid of trying to complete their goal. But when the glamour fades and the music stops, a lot of women are left with…the light. And the same nice guys who were drooling and tripping over themselves trying to get you, might not be so nice when they can see the stringy hair extensions or the bad make-up job.

Everyone has their awkward and uncomfortable moments.

Reporting live, from the 24 hour diner next door to the bar, I’m Emmanuel Smith. Good night.

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2 thoughts on “How To Spot The Nice Guys

  1. emahadeo says:

    This took me back! So things haven’t changed then…

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