December 7, 2011 by Manny Wordsmith
They say dreamers never get anything accomplished. That’s probably true. I mean I do a lot of dreaming. My over-active imagination that’s filled with chase scenes, kung-fu battles and romantic triumphs over insurmountable odds always finds a way to distract me from my apparent lack of relationship knowledge and French.
I read the magazines that I want to write for. Feature writer for GQ? Sounds sexy right? Almost hard to ignore. I like that title so much that I’m actually still staring at that sentence while I’m writing this one. Damn I’m a bad ass…in my own head.
This isn’t an unachievable dream, even though journalism jobs are at an all-time low and I was laid-off from a freelance writing job with the school paper. I didn’t think they could do that! I wasn’t even getting paid…
Dreams feel good though. Great ideas can always keep you warm when the coldness of reality is shaking up those shoulders of yours, forcing you to add friction to your body and make that Rick Ross sound whenever you get a chill.
On paper I’m an average student at best. The other day though, my News Editing teacher told me that I was “rough around the edges” but “not lacking talent”. That’s hardly a backhanded comment right? It makes me feel like I got the skills, but I’m just stubborn and irresponsible…which is something I need to straighten out.
So what can reality do to help me straighten up so I can get that job? (Most people would say join the Army! Been there, done that.)
I have no ideas. And not much advice.
I’m pretty much an orphan. Just me, my siblings, a few cousins and awesome nieces and nephews. I have an aunt here and one in Cali, but I’ve come so far on my own ideals that I’m not sure I can even accept “wise advice” from any of the older people in my family. As horrible as that sounds. They’re always there for me and yet I still feel on a solo mission.
I’ll probably just continue to regurgitate my mother’s advice from 1999.
“Lead with your heart sweetheart and God will do the rest.”
“God has something great for you. He always has a plan for his children.”
But probably not…
I would have easily sought God to the fullest, if my mom wasn’t so great. She was very religious, not a perfect christian, but the coolest one. She had the perfect balance between 7os sitcom single mother and Sunday morning Baptist church evangelist. So her wisdom hit all sides. Some of it was impractical, but most of it was heartwarming, like the last 5 minutes any “Family Matters” episode.
When she passed I was left with God. She had always told me how great he was, but before that I had always spoke to him indirectly. He had hooked me up a bunch of times. More times than I can remember. But it was always through my mom. I had never felt saved. I always felt that my mom was doing all my saving. I know that God may have worked through her, but it was her eyes I saw through my tears.
God, at this point of my life, feels like a dad that was always on work trips, but sent home money and never forgot a birthday. Our telephone conversations were never thrilling or life-changing, so it’s hard to depend on him when I depended so much on my mom. Of course that didn’t stop me from bragging about him to my friends. I was all about doing the right thing, not losing my virginity till I was married, praying constantly and never saying a cuss word. Almost immediately after my mom was gone, I turned into a rebellious brat. And till this day, I’ve been defiant, relying mostly on my own experiences and self-correcting methods to lead my dreams down a practical road. But I don’t know if this is the way it’s supposed to go.
I’m just glad I have great friends and family, who put up with my defiance and continue to give me advice, even though they know there’s a really good chance I’ll ignore it. Thanks for never giving up on me. I hope I can grab my dreams.