November 23, 2011 by Manny Wordsmith
Alcohol will be consumed tonight my friends. Why you ask? Well it’s Thanksgiving Eve. And I know it’s not an “official” holiday, but the mounds of college students, single mothers, sugar daddies and cougars will beg to differ.
This is a night where the number one PLAN is to get wasted. It’s a dangerous concept, but one universally accepted by our humble society. But the funny thing about it is that most people (at least the ones I know) won’t even get wasted! Think about it. How long will it take you to get into a club tonight? Well if you can’t gauge it, imagine New Year’s Eve, but without the free champagne or buffet at 2. The same amount of people will arrive at these places and the same amount will want drinks…right away.
So there you’ll stand, in line, sober, patiently waiting for the large-armed bouncer to let you in. You’ll look to your front and you’ll see the legions of cookie cut dudes, all wearing button-downs and black shoes. Yes, the shirts will vary in brightness and fabrics, but they’ll pretty much all be the same. Some may wear jeans, while others may suit up. Either way, you’ll be looking at different shades of the same spiked haired “cool guy” that made fun of your clothes in high school.
But when you look behind you you’ll see legions of over-prepared women, all fidgeting with their own level of uneasiness. Some will be wearing low-cut shirts with expensive designs and short black skirts (just leaving “work” they’ll say). Some will be wearing those strapless party dresses with the ribbon/belt around the waist and optional foof at the bottom (most likely with tiaras). And a few might even spice up the fun with some vintage “pin-up girl” uniform that’ll draw your eyes toward their tattoos and elevated, elitist attitude.
These are the people who you will be shoulder to shoulder with for the rest of the night. But all generalizations aside, YOU’LL BE SOBER!
If I’ve painted this scene with too broad of a stroke I do not apologize. You need to be ready. And the best way to battle these raging personalities that are so easily categorized by what they wear, is to pre-drink.
Now I don’t condone drinking and driving or drinking before driving, so I suggest this: A flask filled with your favorite bourbon or a bottle of some assorted fruit drink that can easily house a half-pint of Vodka.
If you’re gonna be in line, might as well drink up! Then time you finally do get inside, all these silly misanthropic tones I’ve scattered across this blog will feel like a breeze! You’ll mold and blend with your surroundings and ignore your scuffed shoes and the ratty haired girl that keeps elbowing you. The bass will fill your soul allowing you to ignore your constantly spilled drink. Because who cares right? You’re already drunk!
So as you ladies pick out your clothes and look forward to a night away from your mom or away from your boyfriend who’s addicted to Call of Duty…remember the line.
And dudes, my brethren, who will spend the next 2 hours preparing for a sausagefest and a bunch of ladies who will most likely be calling their ex’s tonight and not you…remember the line.
And in this remembrance, remember to bring a beverage with you. If not for you, drink that drink so everyone else won’t have to put up with your cynical, crass, distasteful attitude toward large crowds and made-up drinking holidays (Note to myself).
Have fun and be safe tonight everyone!