Slightly Misdirected, But Never Off Point

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October 12, 2011 by Manny Wordsmith

Me: Hey

Girl: Hey

Me: I think your beautiful

Girl: Aww, thanks

Me: No really, like Taj Mahal breathtaking, first time seeing the Mona Lisa, wiping the cold out of your eyes at the top of Mount Everest, warm feeling in your chest at the end of Pretty Woman type of beautiful. I love you.

Girl: Um, you’re weird.

I’m a sucker for love stories. You don’t believe me? I used to read Shakespeare! Yeah, as like a manual. I wanted to know how to pick up girls. What I didn’t know then was that 13-year-old girls don’t respond that well to iambic pentameter. So lots of things were lost in translation.

I would do weird things like write lines on my binder and try to spurt them out in the middle of lunch lines.

“A rose by any other…wait um, can I have the tatertots and the chocolate milk please? Thanks. Where was I? Oh, a rose by any…hey where you going?”

It was rough. I didn’t get much guidance in the lady department as an adolescent teen. A couple of key talks were skipped and I was forced to fill the empty spaces with John Hughes, Shakespeare and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Put all three of those guys in a room and see what kind of magic can happen.

So I had an unconventional start to say the least.

I still find myself leaning toward the poetics, hoping that I find a girl who’s finally caught up to my maturity. But I haven’t of course. I’d be more likely to charm a girl with a T-Pain song.

“Can I buy you a drank?”

When I was around 15 I discovered Frank Sinatra and some more old-school, forgotten ways of treating ladies. It’s like I shopped at the second-hand store, while everyone else hit the malls. The kids in the pumped-up kicks were all trying to pick up the new pick-up lines like, “Baby whatcho name is?”, “You look fly tonight hunny.”, “Eh shorty, you need to be wit me!” I was the garage sale of smoothness, the records in your mom’s basement type of guy. “Your eyes are like diamonds my dear.”, “I never knew true beauty till I saw your face.”, “Holding you in my arms is the only thing I’ve dreamed of.”

I said those things!! Not even kidding. I was on some Fred Astaire, Rock Hudson, Carey Grant shit. And if you don’t know who any of those people are, then you obviously understand how far off from modern reality I was.

It’s crazy because I was also listening to Wu-Tang, Biggie and Pac around that age. I was watching action movies with Bruce Willis spitting vulgarities, and mistreating women in blatant sexual situations. But all of that was somehow overpowered by romantic comedies, warm hugs and soft porn. And I seriously thought the secondary point of having sex was to play this game called, “Who Can Cover Up their Partner’s Pubic Hair the Best?”. Like, by all means necessary, have your hand on that pelvis. If you win you get to finish and you also get to take home a commemorative CD filled with all the cheesy music that was playing in the background…so don’t you move that shit!

Cinemax had me twisted.

But I realize now that I should have just chased Academy Award winning Actress Helen Mirren. She’s older so she most likely listens to Sinatra. She’s English so she has to appreciate Shakespeare. And she’s blond! And we all know if you type in blacks and blonds on Google you get a lot of sites excited to show the nice relationship between the two. So let the stalking begin. 66 is not too old for me!

Blog brought to you by famous Helen Mirren flicks like, Herostratus, Age of Consent, The Queen, Red, The Debt and Calendar Girls.

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