July 4, 2011 by Manny Wordsmith
I’m starting to forget what her voice sounds like and the smell of her hair. I can’t believe I still think about her constantly. This is so bad for my health…
I never knew chasing the ghost images of a lost love was so tiring. It’s like running a marathon while smoking. It’s a pitiful act that I gladly admit to doing, but nowhere near proud about. I try to fool myself to believing it’s for my own good, like her Facebook posts hide some secret message that will lead me back to her heart. But I know it won’t. I know the ending to this story. It ended like the last one. She’ll continue to be Miss ” happily ever after”, while I continue to piece together fragmented images, praying for a flaw in her character that calls for my specific healing. But the healing will never come. If we ever speak in person again, she’ll be on cloud 9 and I won’t be able to ever shift her flight plans.
I try to play off and make people believe I’m not as affected as I am. When you really lay the numbers out on the table you can easily see I not only lost my hip-hop group, label, etc., but I also lost two best-friends that were so deeply intertwined in my life that I still feel empty by their absence. It’s unfortunate that these two people who I both considered my life-long friends, found love with each other while I lingered on in between.
The plan started years ago. 2009 to be exact. She liked him then and I said something then, but nothing stood. She made a slight distance but slowly climbed closer as I found it easier to combine my friends, then hang with them all separately. I saw everything slowly reform as they both assured me nothing was going on. A month before this I was dancing with her at my sister’s wedding, hoping some of the love that filled the banquet hall would rub off, but you can’t make some one fall in love with you. So after being denied by her for the 4th time since I had come back home, I thought it would be good to quit trying to be her man and just stay as a friend.
I sat there on my best friend’s couch night after night, watching him get closer to her. But my pride stopped me from creating a war. Because to stop what I was seeing meant to re-admit that my feelings for her were strong. So I created little skirmishes to let them know my feelings, but ultimately they had accepted that I accepted it, even though they both hid the true emotions they strongly felt for each other. It’s easy to give a pass away to something that you think will never pan out. I would talk to him and he would say things like, “This is gonna end bad for her.” And she would constantly reassure me that things were still, “…up in the air.” But I knew things were getting serious. They stopped answering my calls when they were together. They had separate dates and outings without including me. As I walked away slowly, they became a couple.
So I booked. I ran instead of fighting. I walked away thinking that the premise of their relationship alone would be enough to make them fall, and when they did they would be left with nothing but guilt. I thought they would both realize they exchanged a best-friend for a chance to be in love and it was the wrong decision. I even thought that the if the nature of how the two came to be was released, that people would turn their backs and they would be forced to hold up their shaky bond all by themselves.
But I was wrong. Not even an hour after her and I talked, she had already flicked her relationship status to what I already knew. Others quickly applauded without acknowledging that there was a third piece that made everything happen.
She’s not one to explain things to people who don’t deserve explanation, so I doubt she painted the picture any different from what I wrote. I’m guessing that the people who stick by them just figure that they won’t dig into the details and I’ll come around eventually. Most, I assume, just want their friends to be their happiest, even if that means I will no longer be around.
You really begin to question your self-worth when your two best-friends just decide their life would be better without you. I know deep inside they wanted to eat the cake they made too, but I’m not as fickle as I seem and they knew my hiatus was bound to happen.
This has seriously fucked with my life, and I never wanted to fully admit it for all to now. At one point they helped dictate everything around me. The places I went, the music I listened to, the clothes I wore, the girls I chose and the girls I let go. Now that I’m free of their influence I should be happy. I should feel like I can do whatever I want, without having the cynical words or flowery compliments to go with their opinions. But I’m not. And I know I give them power by admitting I’m still at the shit end of all this, but this is the only way I know how to express myself.
If anything I guess I’ll be able to read this over and over and make sure I never let anyone get as close to me as they did.