Finding a Way

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May 4, 2011 by Manny Wordsmith

Misdirection and distraction…it’s a killer. We all try our best to make goals and move forward in our lives, but we seem to just settle for second best.

I’m probably talking more about myself than anything, Of course I have to make the first statement general to draw you in. That way you can point at yourself and say, “Me?”. But it’s not you. Well, maybe it is you, but it’s mostly me right now. Damn, I kind of sound like I’m breaking up with someone.

So I’m distracted and lost now. Stalled to be more specific. University life is going to pick up again this summer and I’ll inch closer to a life that I’m not even sure about. When I was a kid I didn’t even think too hard about the future. I knew that I wanted to fall in love and fight off ninjas. That was the only thing on my plate. I loved my mom a lot and just assumed that if she wanted me to be my greatest man I could be, she’d buy me poetry books and a samurai sword. She didn’t. So I made due with movies, magazines and a stick. I didn’t prepare for actually having to walk a path completely alone. I thought maybe someone would have come in around my 19th birthday and just said,

“Hey put down that Smirnoff bottle you pussy, and start going to school to make movies!”

I would have smiled gently and went down the right road, always thinking about the whisperer and the advice they bestowed on me.

I’ve never had a whisper, or at least a whisper that I cared to listen to. I think I was left alone to make my own decisions for so long that my own views are all I trust. At the same time, I have no idea if I’m doing the right things. I have this semi-inspirational religious background that I thought would always be my life-preserver. But even the values and ideals I gained from that found a way to turn a seamless cloak of armor into a deathtrap. So I carry all this weight of indecision and stress around, while moving at a snail’s pace. My friends stick around to listen to me ramble and they’re always positive that all of my random pieces will come together when they need to. Their confidence in me is overwhelming. Even though, I think it’s slightly misplaced. I know I haven’t made a lot of the same mistakes others have, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not scared every day that I will. I need to find my way.


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