Why Are You Still Single?

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February 11, 2011 by Manny Wordsmith

Do you have any friends that constantly ask you why your still single? You know him or her. It’s that person whose been together with the same person for 2 years and they’re happy. People who are in this situation always feel sorry for their closest friend who isn’t in this situation…

Let me give you a scenario.

You and your homie or homegirl go to the bar. It’s jam packed with skin everywhere you look and your excited to finally hang with your friend who you hardly see now because…well because they’re tied down. You guys drink, play catch up and say things like, “Its been too long!”, “We should never go this long without talking!”, or “Oh my gosh you’ve lost so much weight since the last time I saw you!”. Everything is awesome until they start telling you about their love life. The kids might come up first or maybe the anniversary night. They might talk about the lap dance they got for their birthday, or the fact that their girl can finally fit in the lingerie they bought them three years ago. You can be generally happy for them and that’s perfectly fine. Especially if you know how big of a tool or bitch they were before their encounter with their special someone. But it’s the next part that usually annoys you.

“So when are you gonna settle down?”

And you think

“How the fuck did this shit become about me?”

Then your forced to listen to all this blabber about how great you are and how sexy you are and how if they were a guy or girl they’d see you as a “great catch”.

“I don’t know what their problem is girl…I’d totally fuck you.”

And then since you’re in a bar and the opposite sex is roaming through the pastures, they try to give advice! And you think, “Bitch I don’t need your advice, you met your man at a work picnic!”

And that’s the kicker. You have all these friends who’ve found happiness, but they’ve found it in some sort of nontraditional way. But since your out they assume a little drunk loving is going to lead to a ring, a house, two cars, and baby named Blain. And that’s crazy to assume when they met their love through a grandmother, or a cousin, or on a dating site, or some Twilight fantasy fiction message board. It’s like,”Dude you suck at talking to women, you always have. But since you tripped and fell into some epic nookie you think the world has turned upside down making you Gandolf the Grey and me Bilbo fuckin’ Baggins!”

Fuck that.

And that’s how you should feel. Just because they have a structure in their lives that feels “perfect”, it doesn’t mean the same template is going to apply to you. Everyone thinks being single means you can have sex when you want and just take the world by the balls…or tits and just make it your own. No not always. Some of us unfortunates are surrounded by couples who play king cock and mother hen, trying to “set us up” or “put in a good word”. And all this goes on while they are totally and most definitely disconnected from reality of single life. So to all you happy couples trying to bring us singles to your level…leave us the hell alone.


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