January 14, 2011 by Manny Wordsmith
That would feel better to say if I was someplace warm…
But no we’re in Michigan. Blistering cold Michigan. A place where snow castles hit the clouds and angry drivers flick you off then curse your mother. You can literally go outside and breathe in the discomfort and irritability that floats in the air. You can even go to Kroger or Wal-Mart and watch the loathing faces of stay-at-home moms and elderly folk time has forgotten attempt to make eye contact with you. They’ll squint their eyes and curl their lips, hoping you’ll come close enough for them to spit on you.
But on a good note….
Nicole Kidman has sexy red hair. Yup, this has nothing to do with Michigan or the weather and has everything to do with my obsession with a redheaded Nicole Kidman. I fell in love the first time I saw her in Days of Thunder…
I seriously wanted to be a race car driver just so I could crash and have her take care of me. Her character was sassy, strict and direct. But she was also knowledgeable and endearing. It was the perfect combination. I mean I was 7 so I had no idea what type of combination was needed to be “perfect”, but Tom looked happy, and if Tom was happy I was happy. He chose Elisabeth Shue it Cocktail! And up until Days of Thunder Elisabeth was my sexy white queen. And I’m glad things switched up. It was hard trying to bounce a soccer ball on my knee while holding a crane pose. Not to mention the Manhattans I had to mix above my head all the while hoping she’d walk into my bedroom one day and say,
“I’m your babysitter, ready for an adventure?”
It never happened obviously, and I just ended up breaking my bookshelf, pulling a hamstring, and spilling about $8.50 worth of whiskey and vermouth all over my pajamas. I still plan on sending her the dry cleaning bill.
For Nicole it seemed easier. All I had to do was get hurt around her and then we’d fall in love! It felt that simple in my mind, but I knew the odds of me getting close were slim. I mean she’s Australian and I didn’t even know how to find that on a map! So I searched for someone of a similar hairstyle in my neighborhood.
Unfortunately, the first redheaded girl I met was named Misty…you know…like the cigarettes? And she was not much of a lady. She wore Wranglers instead of Jordache, she spat all the time, and she thought it was much more fun to make me crash then to help me recover from one. It was highly disappointing.
The next redheaded girl I met attacked me in a hotel room and bit me. Yes bit me. The bite was so deep that the imprint stayed in my skin for 4 years!! I had to constantly tell the story to onlookers that caught me with my shirt off. After that I met another girl and she threatened to have me beat up because I didn’t want to see her anymore. We had some really good times. But when we woke up in my room one morning and started watching Spies Like Us, she had no idea what it was. And that was grounds for termination.
Needless to say I was a bit quick to assume all redheaded women were like Dr. Claire Lewicki. I was a kid though, enthralled in the idea of finding love unexpectedly. But I guarantee if I saw Nicole Kidman for the first time in a different movie, let’s say Dead Calm, I would’ve felt a little differently about redheads. I mean this is movie where a very crazy and horny Billy Zane rips Nicole Kidman’s pants off before sex. Not pull or tug…RIPS! And what does she claim is the reason for the sex? A distraction. Who distracts someone with sex? Was that the only thing she had? I mean your husband says get the shotgun, you don’t, so sex is your only defense? I don’t buy it now and I definitely wouldn’t have bought it in 89′. I’m not positive that a moral is lingering in all this babble, but I hope you enjoyed it anyhow. Take care fam. Peace