The Cough

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September 20, 2010 by Manny Wordsmith

So I was gonna tell you about this dream I had last night, but unfortunately I can’t seem to concentrate long enough to type it out. Instead I’m being constantly annoyed by an older woman with the most disgusting, flem-filled, cough in the history of disgusting ass coughs. She just constantly clears her throat, gurgling mucus in her windpipe, and sniffing down boogers. She almost sounds like she’s running out of breath with each swirling spray of geriatric juice she releases into the air.

This woman has to be about 65 and just content on being a nasty old bat. My dire concern and angry looks aren’t enough for her to just spit the God awful shit out. I guess when you get to a certain age and you’ve smoked for 20 years, or stopped wearing hats when it’s cold, or whatever other reasons for taradactyls to have chronic COUGHS, you just stop caring. And that’s when young, vibrant, disease free men like myself, who just want to concentrate and work, smother senior citizens with chloroform rags. I wish I could lead her into a room (via Matlock re-runs) then lock her ass in there!

You’d think a person would get to a certain age and just quit the school thing and decide that knitting at home and soaking their feet in epsom salt is just way more important. But nooooooooo! I’m lucky enough to of had the chance, not only once, but twice, to sit next to Darth Vader and listen as her body complicates the simple cycle of breathing like a fat ashmatic 10-year-old who wants to be a track star!

So I’m out of here, gone, distancing myself from the dinosaurs who beyond anything else have lost a sense of their surroundings, and how annoying their life can be outside of retirement homes and bingo halls.

It’s 12:30 and I already want a shot…God help me

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