When the Shue’s on the Other Foot

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January 28, 2010 by Manny Wordsmith

I’ve spent the last couple of days doing homework and attempting to maximize the use of my time.

It hasn’t been going very well.

I just play X-box and watch old episodes of the Office. Oddly enough I was doing the same thing in Afghanistan in 08 around…this…time…

You know It seemed like a respectable way to spend my time right up till I made the comparison. Damn

I should be chasing girls around like an old Benny Hill episode. Instead the flashing lights of my latest sci-fi adventure draws me in. And I really don’t like videogames that much. Nope. It’s just so damn cold outside and everyone has attitudes because they have to scrape snow, or shovel snow, or eat a lot more because there’s too much snow. It’s a mess out here. I’m trapped in a winter wasteland where everyone fights to have reasons to not like the next person.

But I know I’m not perfect either

I’ll be in line at CVS, minding my own business, thinking about whether Elisabeth Shue looks better in Adventures in Babysitting or Cocktail. When all of a sudden a tall skinny guy with a molestache and yellow eyes will stand right behind me. He’ll breath on my neck while eating Flaming Hot Cheetos by the handful (The regular kind not the Jalapeno). He’ll take out his flip phone and laugh loudly as cheesy shrapnel spews from his mouth. His friend on the other end won’t even be that funny. He’ll just tell him that he hooked up with a sexy bartender named Haley that works at Rosie’s on mound, but the mustachinator will know it’s all a lie! So I’ll be subjected to a barrage of hot powdery cheddar snacks all because some guy decides to laugh at his friend’s imagination instead of just buying him a whore like anyone else would do for his 35 yr old virgin buddy!

I’ll stand there with a Shue on both shoulders, both waiting for my decision. One will be wearing a big brown jacket and yellow gloves, lip syncing “Then He Kissed Me” by The Crystals. The other will be in a tasteful black one piece bathing suit, singing “Kokomos” by The Beach Boys, waiting at a bar where a fugly-toothed, unibrowed Tom Cruise will serve us drinks…

Breaking News!

Wait, wait…she gets naked in Cocktail right? The waterfall scene? Well then theres no question that I’d pick that Shue. But I’m never allowed to come to that conclusion because the ASS! behind me ruins my train of thought and I’m forced to do the,

“Hey man can you move back a bit? We’re not on a bus give a brotha some space.”

“My bad man, my bad.”

“You better pay for those chips too”

The price for a raspberry ice-tea, a skateboard magazine, and the ultimate Elisabeth Shue debate shouldn’t be that steep. So like I said before. I don’t even like videogames…


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