Slightly Misdirected, But Never Off Point
Posted: October 12, 2011 Filed under: Childhood, life, Storytelling, Warren | Tags: Childhood, Frank Sinatra, Helen Mirren, Love, nice guy, Old Movies, Shakespeare Leave a comment »Me: Hey
Girl: Hey
Me: I think your beautiful
Girl: Aww, thanks
Me: No really, like Taj Mahal breathtaking, first time seeing the Mona Lisa, wiping the cold out of your eyes at the top of Mount Everest, warm feeling in your chest at the end of Pretty Woman type of beautiful. I love you.
Girl: Um, you’re weird.
I’m a sucker for love stories. You don’t believe me? I used to read Shakespeare! Yeah, as like a manual. I wanted to know how to pick up girls. What I didn’t know then was that 13-year-old girls don’t respond that well to iambic pentameter. So lots of things were lost in translation.
I would do weird things like write lines on my binder and try to spurt them out in the middle of lunch lines.
“A rose by any other…wait um, can I have the tatertots and the chocolate milk please? Thanks. Where was I? Oh, a rose by any…hey where you going?”
It was rough. I didn’t get much guidance in the lady department as an adolescent teen. A couple of key talks were skipped and I was forced to fill the empty spaces with John Hughes, Shakespeare and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Put all three of those guys in a room and see what kind of magic can happen.
So I had an unconventional start to say the least.
I still find myself leaning toward the poetics, hoping that I find a girl who’s finally caught up to my maturity. But I haven’t of course. I’d be more likely to charm a girl with a T-Pain song.
“Can I buy you a drank?”
When I was around 15 I discovered Frank Sinatra and some more old-school, forgotten ways of treating ladies. It’s like I shopped at the second-hand store, while everyone else hit the malls. The kids in the pumped-up kicks were all trying to pick up the new pick-up lines like, “Baby whatcho name is?”, “You look fly tonight hunny.”, “Eh shorty, you need to be wit me!” I was the garage sale of smoothness, the records in your mom’s basement type of guy. “Your eyes are like diamonds my dear.”, “I never knew true beauty till I saw your face.”, “Holding you in my arms is the only thing I’ve dreamed of.”
I said those things!! Not even kidding. I was on some Fred Astaire, Rock Hudson, Carey Grant shit. And if you don’t know who any of those people are, then you obviously understand how far off from modern reality I was.
It’s crazy because I was also listening to Wu-Tang, Biggie and Pac around that age. I was watching action movies with Bruce Willis spitting vulgarities, and mistreating women in blatant sexual situations. But all of that was somehow overpowered by romantic comedies, warm hugs and soft porn. And I seriously thought the secondary point of having sex was to play this game called, “Who Can Cover Up their Partner’s Pubic Hair the Best?”. Like, by all means necessary, have your hand on that pelvis. If you win you get to finish and you also get to take home a commemorative CD filled with all the cheesy music that was playing in the background…so don’t you move that shit!
Cinemax had me twisted.
But I realize now that I should have just chased Academy Award winning Actress Helen Mirren. She’s older so she most likely listens to Sinatra. She’s English so she has to appreciate Shakespeare. And she’s blond! And we all know if you type in blacks and blonds on Google you get a lot of sites excited to show the nice relationship between the two. So let the stalking begin. 66 is not too old for me!
Blog brought to you by famous Helen Mirren flicks like, Herostratus, Age of Consent, The Queen, Red, The Debt and Calendar Girls.
Boozing Through October
Posted: October 6, 2011 Filed under: life, MI, Warren | Tags: Best-Friends, booze, Drinking, October, Women Leave a comment »Let’s be honest people, no one likes to read much. Especially online. Unless it’s a funny status on FB or a really witty tweet. Other than that most of us just read the headlines on Yahoo’s front page and go on with our lives. It’s a shame. I thank the 13 or so people who read this blog. I know most of you don’t comment on the page or on FB, but you guys still find a way to show your appreciation. I’ll keep on writing if you keep reading.
So far October has been a crazy month. Lots of birthdays and lots of parties…and it’s only the 6th!!
I can’t afford this shit.
If I plan to survive the rest of this month, I might need to sell blood or start a babysitting service. I really don’t want to do either one, but this month will continue on the same track…lights…music…beauties… Throw in costumes and other social knick-knacks and you have a typical October for me. And this is at least four days a week! I don’t know how I do it. If travelling from one circle of friends to the next, drinking, dancing and having a good time was a paying job I’d be a VP by now making $250,000 a year. This needs to be an occupation.
When Jessica Findley and I were at the top-notch peak of friendship, we would hit up two maybe three parties a night. She was a trooper, who could keep up if she ate a decent dinner. If not, I was carrying her out the door or saving her from creepers. But that didn’t matter to me. It was her company that was greatly appreciated. You’d be surprised how differently people treat a guy when he’s standing next to a pretty girl drinking a Cranberry Vodka.
This type of in and out, treadmill party lifestyle isn’t meant for everyone. I have problems too. School, music and studying play a big part. And there’s still a substantial amount of friends I never see.
Now, my homie Matt Barwin, my current party travelling recruit, is made for this lifestyle. No carrying out the door or redirecting. He can usually hold his own without my help. No saving him from terribly crazy women or bouncers. He’s the fucking James Bond of this half-ass party scene we have in Metro Detroit. Cooler than a polar bear’s toenail and smoother than Don Draper with a scotch and cigar…
ok maybe not that smooth, but he’s getting there!
We joke about how nothing would change even if we both had high paying jobs. We’d just never ask how much drinks cost or complain when we have to pay cover. I’d probably have nicer shoes though. Ultimately, I need to make all this DJing and music producing move things along. Also, if I can become a premier entertainment writer/photographer I can probably get into a lot more places and get paid for this tireless running I do. Just an idea…
Tonight will be all music. I have to finish a verse and send off some beats to my boy Dope Da Vinci. Guerrilla Dope is coming back strong. Look out for some new music soon!
Let’s Toast Mediocrity
Posted: February 12, 2011 Filed under: life, Warren | Tags: Beer, Cops, DJ, girls, Michigan, Vivio's, Warren, Women Leave a comment »So the street life called me last night. Wait…that makes me sound like a recovering drug dealer who relapsed….What I meant was that last night I roamed the streets. Shit, now I sound like a prostitute…
I went out last night people, that’s what I’m trying to say! And I had a pretty good time. I was supposed to hangout with my homie Matt
But he wanted to go to Royal Oak and I couldn’t do it. It seems that the Royal Oak police love giving me tickets. The rest of the state seems to be fine with me, but time I step into Royal Oak the cops are alerted, helicopters are gassed up, and my car is cornered. Yeah, evening news shit. I’m a got damn public enemy number one in that town!
I look pretty good in a beret don’t I?
So that idea is scratched, but almost immediately after I dead the idea of going into the Royal Oak war zone, my homies Barwin and Ski convince me to go up to Vivio’s around 12. I’m excited.
And sometimes I can’t understand it. The place is like a haven for bad class reunions. It’s about a block away from my old school and for some reason that means everyone who went there must drink at Vivio’s. There’s always some awkward staring from a distance like, “Do I know her? Did we have history together?”. But of course there’s no history because she’s a girl from high school! A time where I was not at my best. I literally walked around with a backpack full of Kung Fu magazines and comic books. Need I say more?
Midnight was covered. Now the prelude to Vivio’s was heading up to Sporty O’ Tooles to see my homie Double T Dj.
That’s not Double T, that’s Rick.
He’s the one in the middle. And that’s my homie Milan on the other side.
The spot was deadish, but it wasn’t bad. Double T just started DJing up there so the word has to be released that a bad ass Dj now resides at Sporty O’Tooles on Friday nights. I guess the DJ they had there before used to run out of ideas and just stop. Yup, just like that. And when people complained about that she’d ask them what they wanted to hear. No microphone though, she would just yell. And after she got the requests there would be times where she wouldn’t even play the songs! That’s terrible. You have to have good taste in music and I know what makes asses drop. If not then you’re useless and a waste of money.
I end up leaving within an hour and I head to Vivio’s to meet these fools (Ski on the left, Barwin on the right)
And Mr. Brian Sanders
But they were the only ones there from my graduating class. We all thought that was weird, but it didn’t stop us from bashing all the bastards we didn’t like in high school. That’s usually the thing. We’ll get together in some low-key spot and just talk shit about women, assholes we’ve run into and just the general annoyance of life in Warren, Michigan. But last night brought in two other additions.
Ladies! Barwin knew them. Or one of them…the one on my right I think…Dayna. They came in unexpectedly and we convinced them to sit with us while they waited for some other guys to get there. It was weird that they were both white, but the same shade as me. I used these observation as a jump off point and started with the flirting. With this one especially.
And I say “this one” because I can’t remember her name. But don’t worry, I didn’t go home with her. Because if did go home with her and I still didn’t know her name then I’d really be an asshole. Instead, I just didn’t have the right goals. She wanted to be a cop and we just happened to have a friend in the group that was a cop. So time the acronyms and shit started getting waved around I kind of loss my hold. Plus, she got on the subject of how all guys are assholes and blah blah blah and that always makes me uninterested. No man should have to climb up a giant hill of problems just because one guy made a shitty mistake. Anyway we all part ways. Barwin and Ski head to the casino, the girls to coney and Brian and I go to our respective homes. Don’t ask me how a bunch of drunk single people can get together without anything happening. I blame the city where we reside. But I think Ski got the digits of the curly haired one, so we might be hearing about these young ladies again real soon. I have another bar night tonight, this time in Ferndale to see Shotgun Soul perform @ The New Way. Pics and stories tomorrow. Peace fam!
Get Ready for a Snow Storm!
Posted: February 1, 2011 Filed under: Warren, Winter Outlook | Tags: 40oz, Beer, Call of Duty 4, Cold, Eva Mendes, Funny, Jason Stratham, Michigan, Netflix, Nicolas Cage, Oprah, snow, Winter, Xbox Leave a comment »The snow is COMING!!!!
In approx. 24hrs we’ll all be buried in cold white snow. Are you scared Michigan? I’m not. I’ll probably spend tonight drinking 40s and playing Xbox. Stereotypical I know, but it’s a safer than playing Russian Roulette on the frozen streets.
My Netflix queue is getting fatter than Oprah was in 92′ and I can’t have that. So I’ll probably watch a couple of movies in between my drinking and gaming tomorrow. I’ve had Crank 2: High Voltage in the queue for the last 6 months. And I know if I don’t watch it this week, Jason Stratham will probably kick a hole in my chest and leave The Transporter box set where my heart used to be.
“Watch my bloody movies you filthy bugga”
The movie Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans has been in the queue just as long as Crank, but I’m not afraid of Nick Cage. He probably couldn’t afford to come after me anyway.
And if his beautiful co-star Eva Mendes wants to come and hassle me, she’ll just have to fight me while I’m laying on my couch surrounded by candles, greased up with cocoa butter, and reciting her a poem.
“Eva you are my queen, every time I see you in a scene, your smooth brown skin, is what helps me move this pen….”
So I’m actually looking forward to tonight. I’ll get to drink some top shelf cheap beer, catch up on some movies, and escape the winter chill with flashes of gunfire and dirt via Call of Duty 4. I hope you all will enjoy yours too! Be safe!
Red Friday!!!
Posted: January 14, 2011 Filed under: life, Warren, Winter Outlook | Tags: Beginnings, Cold, Days of Thunder, Dead Calm, Elisabeth Shue, Funny, life, Love, Michigan, Nicole Kidman, Redheads, Tom Cruise, Warren, white girls, Winter, Women Leave a comment »It’s friday!!
That would feel better to say if I was someplace warm…
But no we’re in Michigan. Blistering cold Michigan. A place where snow castles hit the clouds and angry drivers flick you off then curse your mother. You can literally go outside and breathe in the discomfort and irritability that floats in the air. You can even go to Kroger or Wal-Mart and watch the loathing faces of stay-at-home moms and elderly folk time has forgotten attempt to make eye contact with you. They’ll squint their eyes and curl their lips, hoping you’ll come close enough for them to spit on you.
But on a good note….
Nicole Kidman has sexy red hair. Yup, this has nothing to do with Michigan or the weather and has everything to do with my obsession with a redheaded Nicole Kidman. I fell in love the first time I saw her in Days of Thunder…
I seriously wanted to be a race car driver just so I could crash and have her take care of me. Her character was sassy, strict and direct. But she was also knowledgeable and endearing. It was the perfect combination. I mean I was 7 so I had no idea what type of combination was needed to be “perfect”, but Tom looked happy, and if Tom was happy I was happy. He chose Elisabeth Shue it Cocktail! And up until Days of Thunder Elisabeth was my sexy white queen. And I’m glad things switched up. It was hard trying to bounce a soccer ball on my knee while holding a crane pose. Not to mention the Manhattans I had to mix above my head all the while hoping she’d walk into my bedroom one day and say,
“I’m your babysitter, ready for an adventure?”
It never happened obviously, and I just ended up breaking my bookshelf, pulling a hamstring, and spilling about $8.50 worth of whiskey and vermouth all over my pajamas. I still plan on sending her the dry cleaning bill.
For Nicole it seemed easier. All I had to do was get hurt around her and then we’d fall in love! It felt that simple in my mind, but I knew the odds of me getting close were slim. I mean she’s Australian and I didn’t even know how to find that on a map! So I searched for someone of a similar hairstyle in my neighborhood.
Unfortunately, the first redheaded girl I met was named Misty…you know…like the cigarettes? And she was not much of a lady. She wore Wranglers instead of Jordache, she spat all the time, and she thought it was much more fun to make me crash then to help me recover from one. It was highly disappointing.
The next redheaded girl I met attacked me in a hotel room and bit me. Yes bit me. The bite was so deep that the imprint stayed in my skin for 4 years!! I had to constantly tell the story to onlookers that caught me with my shirt off. After that I met another girl and she threatened to have me beat up because I didn’t want to see her anymore. We had some really good times. But when we woke up in my room one morning and started watching Spies Like Us, she had no idea what it was. And that was grounds for termination.
Needless to say I was a bit quick to assume all redheaded women were like Dr. Claire Lewicki. I was a kid though, enthralled in the idea of finding love unexpectedly. But I guarantee if I saw Nicole Kidman for the first time in a different movie, let’s say Dead Calm, I would’ve felt a little differently about redheads. I mean this is movie where a very crazy and horny Billy Zane rips Nicole Kidman’s pants off before sex. Not pull or tug…RIPS! And what does she claim is the reason for the sex? A distraction. Who distracts someone with sex? Was that the only thing she had? I mean your husband says get the shotgun, you don’t, so sex is your only defense? I don’t buy it now and I definitely wouldn’t have bought it in 89′. I’m not positive that a moral is lingering in all this babble, but I hope you enjoyed it anyhow. Take care fam. Peace
