Edmond & Jayla
Posted: January 26, 2011 Filed under: Dialogues | Tags: Call of Duty, coldstone, edmond, friendship, jayla, Love, Relationships, wedding dresses, Xbox Leave a comment »I feel you looking at me…
I’m not looking I promise.
I was looking, but she knew that deep down inside. I’m a man with eyes. And whenever a girl tells a guy to turn around and not look, it automatically makes us want to look.
Okay, you can turn around now.
Wow, you look beautiful. How much is this one?
Somewhere near $4,000.
That’s a ridiculous price to pay for a wedding dress. And by the way, don’t you think it’s kind of weird that we come in here once a month so you can try on these dresses? You’re not even engaged!
It doesn’t seem weird at all to me. It’s like being kid and playing dress up in my mamas closet.
How about bringing me along? You don’t think that’s weird? I know I don’t have a girl and I know you and I haven’t had any sex…at least none that I can remember…
Hey!
…But, I’m not gay!
I know your not gay, I just don’t have any girlfriends.
I always clinch my fists when says it. It’s such a horrible excuse, but it’s 100% true. We’re best friends and part of the responsibility of being a best friend is being there when your friend needs you the most. Now the rules were never updated after people began to realize men and women could actually be friends. So I’m never positive if I’m doing my part or just getting the shaft.
Oh and by the way I’ve already seen you naked so you can just stop telling me to turn around, it’s nothing new.
So you think just because of one drunken night…
Two.
Two? Well just because you saw me naked on two separate drunken nights it doesn’t mean your privy to my sexy body during the day.
Are you trying to say I’m only allowed to see you naked at night?
Yeah. I mean no! Wait? How did you get that out of what I said? Your picturing me naked right now aren’t you?
It was a very clear night…
Ugh! Oh my god! I’m never gonna drink tequila again.
You said that the first time.
Shush!! No more talk about my body! Now, how does my ass look in this dress.
I’ve known Jayla for more years than I want to admit. But we’re inseparable, hence the group wedding fitting. Her boyfriend Keith is…well…nothing like me and he doesn’t find the fact that his girlfriend is trying on dresses behind his back a least bit odd.
Hey Keith you know Jayla was trying on wedding dresses yesterday…right?
Yeah that’s cool. Hey why don’t I ever see you on Xbox Live anymore?
It’s an uphill battle to say the least, but I endure.
So this is like dress number 8 this year…right?
Yeah, and I think this is the best one yet.
Are you gonna put this one on your wish-list while you wait for the big question?
I think so.
You do understand that he’s gonna propose to you via wireless internet while you’re both playing Call of Duty right?
Don’t you say that!
He will! He’ll program some hack into the Xbox that allows his avatar to kneel and then he’ll turn to you and say, “Jbomb1987 will you marry me?”. He’ll even order the ring off of the Microsoft Marketplace!
That’s crazy! He’s totally capable of being a romantic. We had a candle lit dinner a couple nights ago.
Did the electricity go out?
What? Um…yeah, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t planning on doing it anyway!
My God! I wonder how people can even settle for video game nerds! I remember when they never got laid. But now these button pressing, head-set wearing drones are getting the best nookie! I’m forced to stay up at night wondering why society skipped over Bi-racial, skate-punk, hip-hop kids and went straight to them! I thought Lupe Fiasco would’ve led me to Mecca by now…
I didn’t understand a word you said.
It doesn’t matter. I just can’t believe you guys dressed up like Super Mario and the Princess and took photos last month.
It was for Christmas cards!
That’s how the assimilation begins! First Christmas cards, then an occasional Halloween, then after that its Cosplay and dressing up for dates and outings. You’ll lose your self completely! You’ll change your name to something Japanese and everytime you get stressed out a giant sweat bubble will form above your temples!
He has a good heart!
How do you know? Is it because all of his RPG characters are good? If so that’s a terrible frame of reference Jayla.
Arguments like this go on daily. I make a bunch of good points and she just rolls her eyes and sighs. I’m not telling her to break up with the guy, I’m just saying she deserves better. I’ve tried to hook her up with my best friend Rick a bunch of times, but for some reason she thinks it’s weird for a man to bring his own silverware to a restaurant. She also mentioned uncomfortable talks about conspiracies, germs and agoraphobia.
I promise I won’t let him hurt me. And if he does, I know I’ll always have you to save the day.
You’re lucky you can make cute comments like that to dissuade me from talking you out of your current situation.
I’ll be fine Eddy.
You better be. Now lets head out so I can watch you eat some Coldstone.
Watch? You still got that lactose intolerence?
Yes. It’s not like an infection I can clear up with NyQuil and lots of liquids.
You have weak insides, ha ha ha!
Shush! No more talk about my body…
The End
Dialogues with Edmond & Rick: A Rainy Night
Posted: November 10, 2010 Filed under: Dialogues | Tags: abroad, baige, Facebook, Funny, locked up, magenta, Rain, stalking, tylenol, Windows Leave a comment »The rainy night didn’t put a smile on Edmond’s face. He was pissed. And he had good reason to be pissed. His girl, only the second one he’s ever had, left him. Yes, our hero is heartbroken once again, in the rain this time, attempting to put together the pieces. But not without his trusted friend Rick
This sucks
Yep
No like this really sucks
No I know. I understood the severity of the statement the first time. I just don’t have anything prolific to say.
Nothing to say?
Nothing.
What? Wait, no that’s not how this goes. I talk, you listen, you analyze, then I either become infuriated at you or I love you more. There’s no middle ground. I refuse to let you be Switzerland.
I’m not your shrink Eddy and you’re not on a couch. I’m just your friend, out here in the rain, staring into your ex’s bedroom window just as baffled as you are.
Yeah…Magenta is a horrible color for a bedroom isn’t it?
Terrible, it’s really bad on the eyes
I tried to tell her to pick something more neutral, woodsy, but she thought beige was too hospital/library. And you know her mom worked in a hospital and died in that book avalanche last year, so it was a sensitive thing. But I didn’t want her to pick something depressing and mono-chromatic. I already had to deal with her acting all Wednesday Addams on me, so I just let her pick this.
Not one of your best moments Ed
Not at all
So this guy is supposed to be coming over around 8?
That’s what he said on her Facebook
Thought she deleted you?
She did.
Then how did you find out?
Ryan Deedle.
Ryan who?
Ryan Deedle. They graduated together. The guy was a total nerd, but Julia had a soft spot for him so she let him hang around, sniff her hair, things like that.
And what does Ryan the Hair Sniffer have to do with all this.
Well he didn’t have a Facebook page. Crazy right? So I made him one.
Oh no, you didn’t do what I think you did. Did you?
If you think I used Ryan’s name and information to trick Julia into adding me for the sole purpose of stalking her wall then you’re wrong!
Oh good. I was about to say
I also did it so I could slowly begin retagging myself in her photos. There’s no reason for her to make everyone think she went on Splash Mountain with a stranger.
Edmond!! That is nuts, you can’t do that! What if the real hair sniffer comes along and finds her!
Oh that’s impossible Rick. He’s in some Cambodian jail for rape! Who’d a thunk right? Saw him on “Locked up Abroad” last week. Don’t think they got computers there.
You’re the only person I know that would knowingly steal the i.d. of a rapist, just to spy on your ex.
People have done crazier things for love
Like what?
There was this one guy I knew that dressed up like a girl and became his divorced wife’s nanny just so he could see his kids and win back their hearts!
That was MRS. DOUBTFIRE!
That’s beside the point Rick. Love is love. Fiction or non-fiction. It transcends all.
You’re an idiot
Yeah I figured you would get to that soon
So what are we trying to see here?
I just want to see how she reacts; I want to know if she’s happier without me.
What makes you think she’ll keep the window open when he gets there?
I’m not positive of anything right now; I just know she loves the rain. She never closes the window when it’s raining.
No matter what?
No matter…wait you don’t think?
It’s a possibility. This may be a booty call.
But she just start added this guy yesterday! It can be at that stage now!
How long did it take you guys to get to “The Stage”
Like 3 months. She had a really bad headache for like 3 weeks and then whenever we were alone she’d just fall asleep or have long conversations with her mom on the phone. Finally I just tricked her into taking some extra shots at the bar and she was finally frisky enough to get dirty. But she kept calling me by my middle name though, that was weird.
Why what is it?
Michael, but I never told her my middle name.
Hmm…yeah dude…that is weird…
So I yeah I have no idea how this new guy will get laid so soon. I hope he’s ready to buy lots of Tylenol.
The End
